It is 2018 and Yes, I am back. Cliche to say, lots has happened and I have not stopped writing and it was mainly for work except for the Editor’s Note that I can actually insert a bit of my life experiences and advices for a certain audience.

But of lately, I miss talking about my children. They have grown and I need to change this space to a different name because we have another U ini our U!niverse; Khaira Uzma Aisyah. She is turning five in 9 days time, currently down with cough and fever after four days of school. The poor kid.


Khaira at about a year old.


Besides Khaira, I almost had another U, but the child passed away when he or she was 16 weeks in my tummy. I found out about this sad news on my birthday about four years ago, when Khaira was about 10 months old. After that traumatising experience of lost, of contractions in the ward and actually ‘giving birth’ infront of my bestfriends, going through D&C, not attending my own child’s funeral, feeling of loss, going through two weeks of superstrict pantang, cukuplah four kids lah haaaa... Why am I justifying? Because I get asked if I am looking at adding more number of kids when the truth be told, saya trauma kematian anak.

Fast forward to 2018, since my youngest are also attending school, I am actually feeling the emptynest syndrome, percaya tak? One week of clearing off leave and getting to focus on kids’ first week of school made me realize how fast time flies and soon, or before I know it, they’d be in boarding schools and furthering their studies. Gasp!

That is why, this time around, beginning of 2018, I have decided to start writing about my kids again. To document as much memories as I can for my personal ipleasure and to be read later or whenever I miss or think of them.

It will be a bunch of carca merba stuff but tak kisahlah, sendiri mahu baca.

Till the next posting and I hope tidaklah empat tahun lagi ya...

Alhamdulillah, we're here to celebrate Ramadhan again, syukur dpt meet this wonderful month again and what "bothers" me the most is, would it be our last? Masa dtg pergi mcm sekelip mata and it gets faster everytime you mention about time. Tak tau apa yg Allah nak bagi this time tapi I want to make the best out of it kali ni - less lahap, less talking, less rasa marah, less shopping... Fuhhhh izinkanlah ya Allah...

And this year Umar joins the fasting bandwagon. Sahur tadi terkemut2 nak telan. Daddy helped suap so atleast ada lah tujuh suap nasi dlm perut. And I am LOVING the fact the first Ramadhan is on a weekend! We get to enjoy Terawih ramai2. Maybe school nights the kids may not get to do but weekends are a definite must go for them, insyaAllah I will see that this comes true. 

Now to nap before the day starts. Chaiyok! Happy 1 Ramadhan!

And that was what this week all about. We lost my dear dear cousin Effendi Rodzi on. June 14th. Cause of death, heart attack. He was two days older than me. When we were younger, I was always the partner-in-crime to Kak Jana, his older sister. He will be my arwah adik, Azlan's partner. And Malyn gang dgn Ita. Everytime cutiskolah the six of us would travel together balik Guar nak lepak with maklang and paklang and our elder cousins. Our parents would send us sama ada naik flight or bas. Zaman tu flight fares were cheap.

Fendi and I were not only related by blood but we went to the same school and have the same circle of friends. I remember if Mama had something to pass to Aunty, I would have to go to his class and ask permission to see him and vice versa. 

Things changed when we both got older, married to our partners and had kids. Some family drama happened but no matter how twisted things become, we always still become as close like before. I always take the air dicincang takkan putus peribahasa to heart coz for me, I dont just come from a family of four, him and his two sisters are my siblings too. Somehow, you just can't tear the sevem siblings apart.

It was quite a surprise when I saw him at a gadget launch some time in early Feb. Said hi, chat a little and what shocked me the most was he insisted we take pictures together before we leave the event. Mmg terdetik dlm hati, this wasn't a habit or a ritual we practise. Yes there are family photos but it was really a big family photo. Itulah kenangan terakhir of me and him.

And now he has returned to his Creator. It shocked the family, to lose him dlm sekelip mata. Who would have thought. It broke his parents' heart and I always say it's heartbreaking when parents have to bury their own child, no matter what the circumstances. And for a wife to lose her soulmate. A child to lose her father. 

Mati itu janji Allah. It's how you terima dan redha so you can move on. I pray Allah gives strength to his wife and child, his parents, his siblings, his friends... You will be missed dear dear cousin, dear dear abang...

Semoga Allah tempatkanmu di kalangan orang dikasihiNya. Al-fatihah...

Yes we did it! We took Khaira who is one year and four months old to the movies last night. Pergi layan Maleficent okengg. I have to admit, walaupun nampak muka cool dan chill walaupun ada pandangan atas ke bawah kiri ke kanan daripada mereka2 yang melihat kami bak gerabak keretapi ke panggung wayang, tapi dalam hati ada taman yang sedang ditiup angin2 gelisah (gittewwww).

I actually started taking my kids to the movies as they reach three years old. So for Khaira, it is a personal record for us coz she's so young.

Begini caranya untuk buat si kecil tidak meraban dan menjadi punca kalian di halau keluar daripada panggung kerana memekak, menangis dan mengganggu ketenteraman...

1. Prepare food. Bukanlah nasi lemak, nasi ayam bagai. All those jajans yang ada jual kat kiosk wayang tu, buy them! Unfortunately, TGV kiosk only sells popcorns and hotdogs, but we took them.
Bila dia nak nguek jek, offer makanan. That distracted her, sambil memenuhkan perut.

2. Keep her calm, jadi kamu kena tenang. If you start a screaming match with your child, tak kesudahan dan confirm kena halau. And tak perlu garang2 nak suruh dia diam. Distract her, we were lucky Maleficent is a beautiful movie, so banyaklah benda2 pelik you can show her during the show. Kids will appreciate.

3. Jangan masuk panggung too early. When you are 'punctual' you go in a super huge quiet room. And when the screen starts showing those super-loud advertisements, and the lights go off, your kid is going to panic and she will cry. That's what happened to my eldest when she was younger. Being a kiasu mom, memang lah nak sampai awal je kan, macamlah main chup2 seat padahal dah tahu tempat duduk. But I have learnt, kalau nak enjoy the movie, masuk je lambat skit. We were almost half and hour late, coz long que at the jajan counter. Went in, the ads were still blaring. Khaira adjusted her sight and hearing, tadaaaa... she was curious. But ehem, she's a huge fan of advertisements so adjusted well.

4. It's okay to bring a stroller along. Mana nak bawak air, popcorn, hotdogs, twisties etc dengan dukung anak, make sure anak lain pun tak berterabur lari, you atleast need one child contained lah haaaa... And atleast can sangkut whatever is in plastic bags on your stroller. You can leave the stroller at the back of the hall while you're enjoying the movie.

5. You can talk to your child during the show, tapi janganlah bersembang kuat macam kat rumah. Keep your voice low as you whisper in her ears. That will keep her calm.

6. You can let her walk around, but within you kawasan and be careful jangan sampai tersentuh kepala orang depan or menghentak their seat. I get very annoyed if there's a child dok tendang2 the back of my seat so I don't let my kids do it too.

7. Bawa plastik sampah. Kids make mess, that's just how it is. Supaya nampak macam parents yang hebat skit, (haha) bawa plastik sampai to thrash whatever bekas makan yang ada. I always teach my kids to not leave their sampah on their seats when the show is over. Cari tong sampah lepas keluar wayang.

So yes, if enjoy your movie. Have a great time (tak bermakna kena ketawa terbahak2 pun). Praise your child/kids if they behaved well, itu doa supaya dia teruskan dengan perangai baiknya...

Us girls after the movie. Depan ni pun jadilah..!

Selfie babies!

I miss this place, I do think about it. Inspired to write tapi it will soUnd merepek and sgt disorganized.

Stress dengannya. Rasa nak nangis. 

As a distraction, let me update about the kids lah haaa... My boy is progressing great in achool. He reads well, even teachers have remarked that. He's got many friends and he's the only child (of mine) yang tak kena buli or pau duit. The cutest thing, at least to me it is, that he refuses to bawak selain dari duit seringgit2. Once or twice He gets RM5 seketul from Tok Baba, he will decline and asks for the blue notes. Senang, kan?

My Ulfa does me proud this year. She is number two in class for sekolah agama. Alhamdulillah. I feel she is more terang hati and senang terima ilmu, cepat serap. Like Umar, you can't teach him benda yg sama ulang2. It'd just annoy him. With Ulfa, she listens and understands fast.

Umaira is very much like me when I was younger, much younger. Ala Umar, can't teach ulang2, terus block and tak masuk kepala. And you can see her face berubah, like ada a shield just covers her face as you try again and again to make her understand. But you will be surprised when she sits with adik2 to revise their homework. She will be the one teaching them how to do and get answers. 

And little Khaira is not so little anymore... Time flies and she's one year and four months today. Have yet to start walking  but she sponges quirky things faaaaassstt. I taught her to make hidung busuk dua kali, terus dapat! Well, I also merepek la kan ajar benda membadutkan je...

My fifth would have been a month old right now. I miss her/him dearly...

Off to bed. Esok Friday, syukurrrr!!!

This is in our album. I suspect the little girl took this in the car. Bertuah!,

Dah masuk 2nd December. 29 days to a new year. My only son will enter primary school. Eldest kakak will be in primary four, second daughter in primary two. Come Jan 15th, Khaira turns one.

People say time flies, I say it jets away these days.

It's half hour past midnight now. Soon, the girls will start their mengaji classes and Umar continues with kindy till mid month. They're super excited to seeing friends again. Bagus jugak, drpd duduk langut kat rumah. 

And while they r in school, I have an appointment with the gynae and all I can say right now, I hope all is fine.

Selamat malam...

This is really how I feel...

When u ask me how i'm doing, terkelu lidah nak balas "i'm okay..." Coz the truth is, I am not. 

And I can not help u feel better by saying "i'm okay", coz really, I am not.

Being strong is hard and it gets tiring.

Losing a child is the worst experience ever.

I miss u my child.